The David Edsen Project - Join Me!

Valentine's Day is coming up.  I don't hate the holiday, but it's not one of my favorites.

It's hard on a single person.  (I realize not all of those with partners love this day either.)  The day is filled with reminders that YOU DO NOT HAVE ANYONE in your life.  The romantic dinners, the hearts, the special tokens - all of it seems to be billboards to remind you of your relationship (or lack of relationship) status. 

But, I've learned that Valentine's Day, like other holidays, is not all about us.  It's not about receiving roses or balloons.  It's not the sappy cards or stuffed animals.  It's a day to celebrate love. The best Valentine's Days I have had have been focused on others.  It's the year that I took balloons and candy to the grade school, junior high and high school for my youth group.  It's the time I put fun surprises together for my nieces and nephews.  When I remember the holiday is for expressing love, it changes how I feel about it.

Maybe one reason I dislike Valentine's Day is that it takes me back to a bad experience from 5th Grade.  If I remember right, all the kids in my primary class happen to be in that class so my social life was good.  The class had the usual groups of friends on the playground and in the lunch room.  

Valentine's Day was just a few days away.  The right side of the room, next to our book bags and coats, were the pink and red decorated shoe boxes, destined to become mailboxes.  The boxes that once held sneakers and mary janes were now waiting to be filled with possibilities.  Would I get a valentine from that cute boy?  Would the cool girls give me a treat?  I remember being home organizing my box of valentines, strategically deciding who would get the "special" ones and which ones would be for those that weren't exactly my close friends.  

Mrs Griffin, our teacher, asked David to run to the principal's office to do an errand.  She had all of us stop what we were doing.  She told us that she was ashamed of us.  That's a lot for a teacher to say.  She told us that David had stayed after school the day before to put valentines in the mailboxes.  When he opened his box, there was nothing inside.  She saw the look on his face.

David Edsen (I am embarrassed that I'm not sure if this is the spelling).  He was different.  He wasn't LDS (that I was aware of).  He dressed a little differently, didn't always keep his hair combed.  He was a little slower than the others.  I remember that we had an unwelcomed substitute named Mrs. Hammer.  We called her Mrs. Hammerhead behind her back.  One day, when she was eaching, David raised his hand and said "Mrs. Hammerhead, Mrs. Hammerhead..."  We all just dropped our heads in embarrassment.

In today's world, David would probably have been put in a different class.  He also would have been a poster child for kids being bullied and probably would have been much protected.  He probably got called a lot of names.  He was the butt of a lot of jokes.  I'm sure he got beat up from time to time.  I know that school wasn't somewhere he felt acceptance.

I don't remember ever being unkind, but I sure didn't stand up for him. At 10, I was more worried about fitting in and being popular than I was about being a disciple of Christ.  I'm embarrassed that I sat in church singing and talking about choosing the right and couldn't demonstrate that by simply being kind to someone in my class.

Of course, Mrs. Griffin had observed everyone's behavior throughout the year.  And this was probably the time she could finally speak up.  I don't remember much of what was said, but I still remember how I felt and the tears rolling down my cheek - 34 years later and I still cry when I think about those few minutes.  I was only relieved that I had not yet brought in my valentines.  I made sure that I got a special valentine for David that year.

I would like to think that things changed for David after that, but I'm not it did.  He moved away after that year - probably in part due to the way he was treated at school.  I never heard from him or about him again.  Every time I think about it, I wish I could change the past.  It's a dagger in my heart that seems to resurrect itself around this time every year. I read something on Facebook that describes my feelings perfectly:

• Grab a plate and throw it on the ground
• Okay, done.
• Did it break?
• Yes
• Now, say sorry to it
• Sorry
• Did it go back to the way it was before?
• No
• Do you understand?

I can't even say I'm sorry in person.  So, while I can't fix the broken plate or the broken heart and spirit of an old classmate, maybe I can try something else - to take a bad situation and try to do some good with The David Edsen project.  During this Valentine's season, I'm going to challenge myself and all of you to find a David Edsen - those who feel unloved.  Let them know that during this time the world celebrates love, there are people who care about them. 

Find someone in your circle of friends who will be alone this Valentine's Day and take them to dinner.  Give a plate of cookies to someone in your church circle who needs a friend.  Find that person at work or at school who seems to be alone a lot and sit with them during lunch.  That neighbor that you've been distant from - send a card.  Go to a retirement home and talk to the people - let them know there is still love around.  Give flowers to strangers.

If you feel inclined, please share this with others so we can spread the good.  For those that take the challenge, please let me know what you did and how you felt.  While I can't fix what happened, I can try to move forward and hope that maybe I can influence someone else.  Maybe it will reach him or someone he cares about...someday.  

Taking Offense versus Keeping It

Before I start this story, I want you to know that I adore our bishop.  He is a man that really cares about the people in his flock.  Because of that, at times, he can do things a little unorthodox.  It's really in the spirit that he believes that we should celebrate more in the church.  He would give a token/certificate and public praise for every accomplishment, if he could.

A few Sundays ago, we had a confirmation of a new member during Sacrament Meeting.  When it was done, he went to the pulpit to officially welcome her into the ward.  He then asked for all those that could welcome her into the ward to raise their right hand.  Then out of habit, he said "If there are any opposed, please raise your hand."  (For those of you not LDS, when we call people to positions, we ask for a sustaining vote and then given an opportunity to oppose - most people do not oppose.)  

The man behind me said what I was thinking "Not sure if you can really 'oppose' welcoming someone new".  I turned around and said "No, you just go ahead and be rude to them, right?"  :-)

Of course, as members of a congregation, neighborhood, community or a family, we should never oppose welcoming someone new or being cordial to someone we know.  But, we've likely all done it.  And, conversely, we have all easily be the recipient of someone "opposing" to be kind in small and large ways - wittingly or unwittingly.

This last week, I was reading a blog that I found interesting.  The blog talked about how to not be offended by members of the church who profess to believe the same attibutes of kindness, love & charity.  The information was good, but as usual, I struggled with some of the content - particularly by the comments.  Some wrote that being offended was something that was our fault.  I will have to respectfully disagree to a point.

By saying that being offended is our own fault, it means that the other person holds no responsibility for what is said or done.  That attitude means that people can go around doing whatever they want, because if you don't like it, it's your problem.  What someone else says or does (or doesn't do) certainly has an impact on each of us.  

Those that have a stewardship over others have an even greater responsibility not to offend.  Recently, someone I care about had a terrible experience with person in a leadership position.  My friend felt as if their opinions and even things they had put great care into were dismissed.  This person was questioned on their loyalty and never really ever thanked for their efforts.  And this persso on was released from their service with very little care or kindness - almost in a mocking way.

Every one of us probably have a similar story.  The scriptures talk about being accountable for our stewardship.  Again, if people fall away as a result of being treated poorly, how is the ownership all on them? The person who didn't fulfill their assignment or said or did something offensive has to have some responsibility.

Each Sunday, I teach a group of seven/eight year olds.  We talk about gospel principles like faith, baptism, repentance, etc.  As part of the conversation, we nearly always talk about choosing the right by following the example of Christ.  Nearly, every week, we talk about what we need to do to follow the Savior.  "Be kind" is a common answer.  So, if others do not follow the Savior, why is it my fault if I feel bad about something someone else says or does?  

When we or those we love are treated unkindly, we take offense.  When comments are made that goes against our very nature, we take offense.  When someone steps aside and watches an injustice without stepping in, we take offense.  Even the D&C talks about offending God.  So, I believe taking offense is natural and expected.

But, on the flip side:  What we DO with that offense is another issue.  We can choose how long to keep that offense.  Steven Covey talks about how humans have the ability to think between stimulus and response.  We can control our short and long term reactions.  We don't have to get upset whenever someone says something offensive.  It's a good attribute to think before we act.

I do believe there are times we have a right and obligation to stand up for ourselves and others when there is offensive behavior.  We don't have to be angry, but we can find a way to chastise and then return with kindness.

For some behavior, the hurt is real and it's strong.  It's a knife in our hearts, every time we see the person or hear their names.  The words and actions (or inactions) wake us up in the middle of the night; occupies our thoughts at inopportune times.  It can linger for a long time, despite our best efforts. But, to be truly happy, we have to find a way to eliminate these feelings from our lives.  

One thing to note is that we can not only are offended, but we can also be offenders.  We likely caused this kind of hurt to someone else - knowingly or not.  I know I will be accountable for many things I have done or have not done in church callings, as a Christian, and just as a human being.  

The only way to stop us from keeping offenses or repenting for ours is the Atonement.  One great lesson I learned in my life was that the Savior atoned for the entire sin.  This means He took on the pain not only of the sinner, but of those that were sinned upon.  We don't have to keep our offenses - the Savior already paid the price.  He took on the pain and suffering so that we don't have to take it.  

Certainly, this isn't always easy for us to do.  I know I still have hurts from years ago that I'm still trying to work through.  And, I have things which I do every day that probably offend others.  But, the Atonement available to each of us so we can focus our lives more on the Savior and His teachings instead of the hurt.

So, we can certainly take offense - but it's our job not to keep it around for very long.  It's the only way we can truly be happy.