Judge Not Unrighteously

Sometimes it's just hard to be a Mormon...
Sometimes it's just hard to be a woman...
Sometimes it's just hard to be a Mormon woman...

I'm a bit hesitant to write this because it may add fuel to an already growing fire.  But, this has been building for a while so I feel like I need to write it down.

Just before Christmas, I got a Facebook post with a quote from President Monson.  It had a scene with Black Friday shoppers and the quote was his concern with Christ being removed from Christmas.  (Note that the post wasn't from him, the picture wasn't from him - someone who puts the quotes and pictures together.)

As I read the comments, I just got mad.  It starts with chastising anyone who went shopping on Black Friday like they were following the devil.  Next was the comments about how THEY are doing only homemade gifts.  Then, the comments came about how their family doesn't do any gifts for Christmas.  (I was waiting for the comment that they burn all gifts in effigy when they arrive.)  Soon the posts arrive about saying "Happy Holidays" is like a curse word.

It felt so one-upman that I was ready to scream (and I think I did in my car).  I don't think giving gifts or having Santa Claus decorations at Christmas means I am "less spiritual" than anyone else.  I somehow don't think President Monson is tossing out the presents under his tree.  I have Jewish friends and I have become more aware of trying to be inclusive.  So does saying "Happy Holidays" mean I love the Savior any less?

Last week, LDS Living posted about four LDS NFL football players who could be in the Super Bowl.  Within minutes the posts came:  "Why are we celebrating people who play sports on the Sabbath?"  "I don't KNOW any NFL players because WE don't watch on Sundays."  Again, the heat came into my cheeks about this. 

I heard Steve Young talk once about his decision to not go on a mission.  This decision came as a result of prayer and two separate priesthood blessings.  I expect that many of the professional players that are not only LDS but other faithful Christians have had the same hours of prayer and reflection on what to do.

Of course, I believe we can honor the people like Eric Liddell - an Olympian who chose not to run on Sundays.  And Eli Herring, a BYU player who was offered millions to go into the NFL and decided to not play on the Sabbath.  But, can these others who choose a professional career which requires work on Sundays provide just as good of an example? 

Next - the woman issue.  I read a blog today from a man who was defending a previous blog.  He had previous written about how proud he was that his wife was a stay-at-home mom.  Another blogger wrote about how demeaning this was.  He responded back.  I didn't have many issues with his words - although it didn't really address those who had to work even though they didn't want to.

But as you read the comments, the continuous debate of "who loves their children more" pops up.  And it's frustrating - stay-at-home moms that do nothing with their kids may spend less time than the working-out-of-the-home mom who devotes every spare minute to them.  Some women may be better mothers by being away from home than by being with their children all day.

I tread lightly here.  I love and honor those of you that are stay-at-home moms or stay-at-home dads.  You have the toughest jobs in the world and receive very little praise and recognition.  And the work you do is honorable.  And those men and women that have to work outside the home that want to be home - I can feel your struggles, even if I don't understand them completely.  And for those of you that choose to work outside the home - it's not my place to question your decision.

Finally, the Mormon Woman.  A group put together a list of the "100 Coolest Mormon Women Alive Today".  Of course, the comments come with the usual banter of who should and shouldn't have made the list.  

I got hot about a comment from a woman who said that any success not related to raising children was secondary.  Well, as someone that doesn't have children - I took offense to that.  I never feel worse about not being married and having children than when a bunch of Relief Society "sisters" point out to me that I am not fulfilling my "highest calling". 

I just got an email this week from a former young woman who I only taught for a short time.  (My non-Mormon friends - this is a group of teens from 12 - 18.)  She told me that she cherished a girls' camp experience where I taught her that it was important to just be herself.  It was years ago - I don't even remember the event she was talking about.  But, when I think about that and what that woman said - did my time serving in church really not having meaning or purpose?

The matching thread to all of this:  We are not better or worse than others because of life circumstances or even life decisions.  And we would all be better off if we would cherish our differences instead of justify why ours is better.

In the Mormon verse of scripture, Doctrine & Covenants section 46 verse 26 says:  And all these ^agifts come from God, for the benefit of the ^bchildren of God.  If anyone is using their gifts to benefit the children of God, they should be celebrated.

Of course, not all of our choices are good ones.  It's what the Holy Ghost or our conscience is there for - if we aren't at peace with our decisions, we probably didn't make the right ones.  But, the only people that have a right to comment are those affected and our Heavenly Father.  If we are at peace with those, we are doing the right thing.

And the rest of us need to back off!

Helping an Independent Dependent

This week, our company hosted eleven employees from various countries for an inaugural International Operations Conference.  It was something we've tried to put together for over a year so we were very excited to get the approval in November.  We quickly put together the schedule, transportation, etc.  It involved basically four days of meetings, an offsite to Jackson Hole for sledding and shopping, and a day of individual trainings.  The meetings went very well and I think we accomplished most of the goals.

To accomplish something of this size, you need some help.  Asking for help is not an easy thing for me.  One of my challenges at work is that people don't think I do a good job of delegating.  I watch myself say "Nothing" when people ask what they can do and I'm so stressed that I can't see straight.  Then, ironically, I can get upset when I have to do it all myself :-).

I have wondered why it's so hard to ask for help.  I usually don't get bent out of shape when others ask me for help.  I don't think it's necessary a conscious thing.  I don't expect that people will fail me or will do a poor job.  It might be that I hate bothering others with my problems or concerns.  It's also likely that I feel like it's easier to do it myself than trying to explain exactly how I want it (or that I do such a poor job of explaining what I want...).  Also, I'm a very last minute person so popping things on others the last minute isn't exactly cool.

Any way I try to rationalize it - I'm not good at receiving service.  I realize that it's a skill I need to learn.  I can't improve things or get promoted at work if I try to do everything.  I can't learn from others if I don't use their skills.  I can't be a friend if people don't feel like they can help from time to time.  It's probably something the Lord will teach me in an uncomfortable way.

This week, I learned that there are people I can count on and people I can't.  It's both disappointing and inspiring.  You realize you have people that are dependable and love you.  You get to see the Lord's hand in your life through earthly angels.

So, how do you help someone who wants to be independent, but needs help?  On my long drives, I've determined there are different types of people:

1. People who refuse to help - they just say no.
2. People who will tell you they'll help, but then not fulfill the assignment.
3. People who will help you, but do it in their own way which may or may not help.
4. People who do exactly what you ask.
5. People who go above what you ask.
6. People who help you when you didn't know you needed help.

In truth, I'll take #1 over #2 any day of the week.  Sometimes, people just aren't able to help with a busy schedule - I get it and I've been there.  But, when it's hard to ask in the first place, being let down is worse than being told no as you lose faith in people.

We've all had the challenges of #3 - we ask for orange jello mold, but they bring a cherry jello mold.  It might be okay, but if it's for a Blue & Gold Banquet, it doesn't really fit in with the theme.  Often, it can be the result of not communicating the information, but sometimes it's just others doing service at their own convenience.

I appreciate people that are #4 because the assignment is filled.  You got what you needed.

But, the best people in the world are those that can be #5 or #6.  I have a great example in my friend Mari, my neighbors Marilyn & Shirley and especially my mom.  They are women who will call and let you know that they are bringing dinner on Tuesday because you are having a hard week.  They show up on your doorstep with flowers on a bad day.  

So, how do you help people like me?

• First, there are normally tasks that can be done that are common sense and doesn't need a formal invitation.  I'm in admiration of people who start putting away chairs at a ward party even if the elders are in charge; the grandma who pulls a coloring book out of her bag to help a difficult child; bringing a cold drink when sweat is pouring down your face.  It's so much easier when you don't have to tell people exactly what needs to be done, but they can figure it out.
• Second, there is magic in replacing the phrase "Let me know if you need help" to "I'll plan to...".  Most of us can look around and find opportunities to help.  Independent people like me will almost NEVER ask you for help.
• Third, the words "What else?" gives an opportunity to maybe take a little more off the plate of the person in need.  Usually, those words give an opportunity to take a little more weight off of heavy shoulders.
• Finally, "Are you sure?".  One more opening and opportunity.  Several times I have been able to serve and be served by just making one more attempt.

I am certainly not a perfect example of service.  I have failed on several occasions to do not only what is asked, but what is needed.  I can be better in observing and more importantly, doing.  Today at church, the speaker said that we should not only pray for angels, but pray to be angels.  Thank you to my angels who make my life better by helping me when I don't ask and when I don't even know it.  May we be angels in the lives of others.

No More Have To's

I turn on the movie "Parenthood" those days when there is little else on.  While not completely with my values, it shows the highs and lows of family life.  In one scene, Steve Martin was having a serious conversation about marriage and family with Mary Steenburgen.  But he has to cut the conversation short because he needs to leave and coach his son's little league game.  His wife says "Do you have to go?"  He responds:  "My whole life is Have To's!"

For those of you that are my Facebook friends, I recently posted a video with my oldest nephew from New Year's.  He is running from room to room, thrilled that he was up to see the Ball Drop, wishing everyone a Happy New Year.

Nephew #1 has challenges in his life.  But, he has an amazing ability to celebrate the every day.  And he creates events to be excited for.  Not many children or even adults can tell you how many days until the Sochi Olympics or when the upcoming Muppet Movie is coming out (or who is starring in it).  He almost is more excited for the journey to the event than the event itself.

In fairness, in a nine-year-old's life, he doesn't have to think about the details very much.  He doesn't need to cook Christmas dinner, pay the bills, make sure the house is clean for Grandma.  But he has an infectious way of reminding you that the event is the most important thing - not whether or not we bought the right kind of sausage for Christmas breakfast.

I think about my approach to life.  My mind immediately goes to the logistics of everything that I HAVE to get done.  Waking up in the morning, I go immediately to what tasks need to be done at work, at home.  A trip becomes checklists, packing lists, trips to the store, etc.  Special events even become "have to's" - I have to go to the reception, baptism, birthday party, even funerals.  Even spiritual tasks become checklist items - I have to say my prayers, write in my journal, read my scriptures, prep my lesson.  

I think about what I "have to do" instead of what all those tasks are for.  I heard a thought the other day that said "The Purpose of the Task is to build relationships".  Am I just doing tasks with no purpose of growing personally, building relationships, creating memories?  Are my spiritual checklists drawing me closer to Christ?  Will I come to the end of my life and find that I accomplished a lot, but missed out on the experiences?  

My resolution for 2014 is to change my view point from "Have to" to "Get To" (or even "Need To").  Get To changes the tasks from a chore to an opportunity.  Most of us are very fortunate to have as many opportunities as we do - choices of what to wear & eat, our health, living in a free country, being a Christian. In comparison to most of the world - being able to go to a grocery store instead of foraging for food is a blessing.  I'm not Pollyanna enough to think that everything we need to accomplish is a blessing (going to the women's doc or DMV is on that list).  But, changing it from Have To to Need To changes it from a task someone is forcing me to do, to a task I need to accomplish to meet a purpose.

It's especially important for me to start this week.  I am hosting 11 people from our international markets.  There are a lot of logistics that need to be coordinated.  I am giving nine different presentations.  And there are so many needs - dietary, transportation, etc.  But, I don't want the week to go by and find that I've spent it with "Have To's" and missed the relationships and the memories.  

I hope at the end of the year, I see my life with a different paradigm.  I want to end the year awaiting the stroke of midnight screaming "Happy 2015" instead of thinking about what I'm going to do the next morning or three weeks later.  May our whole lives be "Get To's".

What's in A Title

On Friday, I had a conversation with the VP of our department.  Lately, I've had the "do we get married or stop dating?" thoughts about my career with my current company.  (Bad analogy, I know.)  One of my concerns is where I am on the corporate ladder.  I've never had delusions of grandeur that I would be a VP or something like that, but, I figured by this point in my life, I'd be higher up than I am.

The VP had an interesting comment.  He said "Don't judge your career by your title.  You could have a career filled with contribution and never have the title to go with it."

Fast forward to Sunday.  For those that following me on Facebook, the last two years, I've taught the four year olds.  This past year was riddled with unique experiences:

• My first week, one of the boys threatened to punch me in the nose.  
• Sundays filled with answers like "Who is this in the picture baptizing Jesus?" "Jesus's friend".  
• Keeping my eyes open during prayer to break up both spitting on pants and kissing.  
• Saying "Stop moving your chairs" for the 800th time.  
• Doubling in size (from four to eight children) in a few short months (four was already tough)
• Being told I had REALLY bad breath...
• Meltdowns from everyone in the class - including me.  

So how do the two relate?  Because most four year olds can't remember adult names, my kids called me "Teacher".  

Teacher - here is a title that often is belittled.  Maybe because it seems so common - between church and school and activities, we seem to have so many of them around.  The fiscal value of teachers is often a source of debate in politics.  Even in the Mormon religion, it's common to hear "I'm just a teacher".  

But teachers are vital in our lives.  So many of us are where we are because of a teacher - whether it was in school, at church, or someone who taught you a great skill.  One of the titles of the Savior was "Teacher".  

And all who teach likely become the greatest student of all.  So what has this "Teacher" learned this year?

• Patience - LOTS of it!
• There is not much sweeter than hearing my class finally sing a song (they do not like to sing)
• They pay more attention than you realize (one of the biggest thrills was hearing parents tell me that their child repeated a story I told them)
• There is a contagious excitement about "little things" like earning a prize or having something brought to their house.
• When I looked deep into their sweet eyes, I knew I was where I needed to be - even when it was hard.  
• I also knew Heavenly Father loves them, even when they play with their ties or hair ribbons constantly.

This year, I have been called to teach the seven year olds (turning eight).  I'm excited for the opportunity to teach kids that can read, know the words to songs, and can keep in their seats for more than three minutes.  I'll be teaching kids the same ages has my niece and nephew which gives me a unique insight.  It's a huge responsibility as they are just getting ready to be baptized.

But I'll miss being called "Teacher" every Sunday.  It's a title that I do hope matches the contribution I tried to make and will continue to try to make as a Teacher.