Taking Offense versus Keeping It

Before I start this story, I want you to know that I adore our bishop.  He is a man that really cares about the people in his flock.  Because of that, at times, he can do things a little unorthodox.  It's really in the spirit that he believes that we should celebrate more in the church.  He would give a token/certificate and public praise for every accomplishment, if he could.

A few Sundays ago, we had a confirmation of a new member during Sacrament Meeting.  When it was done, he went to the pulpit to officially welcome her into the ward.  He then asked for all those that could welcome her into the ward to raise their right hand.  Then out of habit, he said "If there are any opposed, please raise your hand."  (For those of you not LDS, when we call people to positions, we ask for a sustaining vote and then given an opportunity to oppose - most people do not oppose.)  

The man behind me said what I was thinking "Not sure if you can really 'oppose' welcoming someone new".  I turned around and said "No, you just go ahead and be rude to them, right?"  :-)

Of course, as members of a congregation, neighborhood, community or a family, we should never oppose welcoming someone new or being cordial to someone we know.  But, we've likely all done it.  And, conversely, we have all easily be the recipient of someone "opposing" to be kind in small and large ways - wittingly or unwittingly.

This last week, I was reading a blog that I found interesting.  The blog talked about how to not be offended by members of the church who profess to believe the same attibutes of kindness, love & charity.  The information was good, but as usual, I struggled with some of the content - particularly by the comments.  Some wrote that being offended was something that was our fault.  I will have to respectfully disagree to a point.

By saying that being offended is our own fault, it means that the other person holds no responsibility for what is said or done.  That attitude means that people can go around doing whatever they want, because if you don't like it, it's your problem.  What someone else says or does (or doesn't do) certainly has an impact on each of us.  

Those that have a stewardship over others have an even greater responsibility not to offend.  Recently, someone I care about had a terrible experience with person in a leadership position.  My friend felt as if their opinions and even things they had put great care into were dismissed.  This person was questioned on their loyalty and never really ever thanked for their efforts.  And this persso on was released from their service with very little care or kindness - almost in a mocking way.

Every one of us probably have a similar story.  The scriptures talk about being accountable for our stewardship.  Again, if people fall away as a result of being treated poorly, how is the ownership all on them? The person who didn't fulfill their assignment or said or did something offensive has to have some responsibility.

Each Sunday, I teach a group of seven/eight year olds.  We talk about gospel principles like faith, baptism, repentance, etc.  As part of the conversation, we nearly always talk about choosing the right by following the example of Christ.  Nearly, every week, we talk about what we need to do to follow the Savior.  "Be kind" is a common answer.  So, if others do not follow the Savior, why is it my fault if I feel bad about something someone else says or does?  

When we or those we love are treated unkindly, we take offense.  When comments are made that goes against our very nature, we take offense.  When someone steps aside and watches an injustice without stepping in, we take offense.  Even the D&C talks about offending God.  So, I believe taking offense is natural and expected.

But, on the flip side:  What we DO with that offense is another issue.  We can choose how long to keep that offense.  Steven Covey talks about how humans have the ability to think between stimulus and response.  We can control our short and long term reactions.  We don't have to get upset whenever someone says something offensive.  It's a good attribute to think before we act.

I do believe there are times we have a right and obligation to stand up for ourselves and others when there is offensive behavior.  We don't have to be angry, but we can find a way to chastise and then return with kindness.

For some behavior, the hurt is real and it's strong.  It's a knife in our hearts, every time we see the person or hear their names.  The words and actions (or inactions) wake us up in the middle of the night; occupies our thoughts at inopportune times.  It can linger for a long time, despite our best efforts. But, to be truly happy, we have to find a way to eliminate these feelings from our lives.  

One thing to note is that we can not only are offended, but we can also be offenders.  We likely caused this kind of hurt to someone else - knowingly or not.  I know I will be accountable for many things I have done or have not done in church callings, as a Christian, and just as a human being.  

The only way to stop us from keeping offenses or repenting for ours is the Atonement.  One great lesson I learned in my life was that the Savior atoned for the entire sin.  This means He took on the pain not only of the sinner, but of those that were sinned upon.  We don't have to keep our offenses - the Savior already paid the price.  He took on the pain and suffering so that we don't have to take it.  

Certainly, this isn't always easy for us to do.  I know I still have hurts from years ago that I'm still trying to work through.  And, I have things which I do every day that probably offend others.  But, the Atonement available to each of us so we can focus our lives more on the Savior and His teachings instead of the hurt.

So, we can certainly take offense - but it's our job not to keep it around for very long.  It's the only way we can truly be happy.