Helping an Independent Dependent

This week, our company hosted eleven employees from various countries for an inaugural International Operations Conference.  It was something we've tried to put together for over a year so we were very excited to get the approval in November.  We quickly put together the schedule, transportation, etc.  It involved basically four days of meetings, an offsite to Jackson Hole for sledding and shopping, and a day of individual trainings.  The meetings went very well and I think we accomplished most of the goals.

To accomplish something of this size, you need some help.  Asking for help is not an easy thing for me.  One of my challenges at work is that people don't think I do a good job of delegating.  I watch myself say "Nothing" when people ask what they can do and I'm so stressed that I can't see straight.  Then, ironically, I can get upset when I have to do it all myself :-).

I have wondered why it's so hard to ask for help.  I usually don't get bent out of shape when others ask me for help.  I don't think it's necessary a conscious thing.  I don't expect that people will fail me or will do a poor job.  It might be that I hate bothering others with my problems or concerns.  It's also likely that I feel like it's easier to do it myself than trying to explain exactly how I want it (or that I do such a poor job of explaining what I want...).  Also, I'm a very last minute person so popping things on others the last minute isn't exactly cool.

Any way I try to rationalize it - I'm not good at receiving service.  I realize that it's a skill I need to learn.  I can't improve things or get promoted at work if I try to do everything.  I can't learn from others if I don't use their skills.  I can't be a friend if people don't feel like they can help from time to time.  It's probably something the Lord will teach me in an uncomfortable way.

This week, I learned that there are people I can count on and people I can't.  It's both disappointing and inspiring.  You realize you have people that are dependable and love you.  You get to see the Lord's hand in your life through earthly angels.

So, how do you help someone who wants to be independent, but needs help?  On my long drives, I've determined there are different types of people:

1. People who refuse to help - they just say no.
2. People who will tell you they'll help, but then not fulfill the assignment.
3. People who will help you, but do it in their own way which may or may not help.
4. People who do exactly what you ask.
5. People who go above what you ask.
6. People who help you when you didn't know you needed help.

In truth, I'll take #1 over #2 any day of the week.  Sometimes, people just aren't able to help with a busy schedule - I get it and I've been there.  But, when it's hard to ask in the first place, being let down is worse than being told no as you lose faith in people.

We've all had the challenges of #3 - we ask for orange jello mold, but they bring a cherry jello mold.  It might be okay, but if it's for a Blue & Gold Banquet, it doesn't really fit in with the theme.  Often, it can be the result of not communicating the information, but sometimes it's just others doing service at their own convenience.

I appreciate people that are #4 because the assignment is filled.  You got what you needed.

But, the best people in the world are those that can be #5 or #6.  I have a great example in my friend Mari, my neighbors Marilyn & Shirley and especially my mom.  They are women who will call and let you know that they are bringing dinner on Tuesday because you are having a hard week.  They show up on your doorstep with flowers on a bad day.  

So, how do you help people like me?

• First, there are normally tasks that can be done that are common sense and doesn't need a formal invitation.  I'm in admiration of people who start putting away chairs at a ward party even if the elders are in charge; the grandma who pulls a coloring book out of her bag to help a difficult child; bringing a cold drink when sweat is pouring down your face.  It's so much easier when you don't have to tell people exactly what needs to be done, but they can figure it out.
• Second, there is magic in replacing the phrase "Let me know if you need help" to "I'll plan to...".  Most of us can look around and find opportunities to help.  Independent people like me will almost NEVER ask you for help.
• Third, the words "What else?" gives an opportunity to maybe take a little more off the plate of the person in need.  Usually, those words give an opportunity to take a little more weight off of heavy shoulders.
• Finally, "Are you sure?".  One more opening and opportunity.  Several times I have been able to serve and be served by just making one more attempt.

I am certainly not a perfect example of service.  I have failed on several occasions to do not only what is asked, but what is needed.  I can be better in observing and more importantly, doing.  Today at church, the speaker said that we should not only pray for angels, but pray to be angels.  Thank you to my angels who make my life better by helping me when I don't ask and when I don't even know it.  May we be angels in the lives of others.